Something good did come from this after all

Dear Little Sisters, 

Something good did come from this after all. He almost made me lose my glow, well actually he did cast a shadow over my light for almost two years until I finally exploded but that story will be for another time. 

“You’re nothing.”

“You’re a monster.”

“You didn’t deserve to go to Stanford or Harvard.”

“You’re crazy.”

“You’re a violent and terrible person, just like your father.”

“You’re F***** up in the head.”

“No one will ever love you.”

-------

Hair pull. 

Phone thrown across the room.

Bloody nose. 

Pushed to the floor. 

It was abuse and now I can say that. J emotionally and physically assaulted me. He made me feel tiny and powerless; vulnerable to his continuous threats and put-downs. His words like ice picks to my soul, slowly bringing me to my knees. But he also made me feel like the most precious thing known to man. He knew how to give me the love that I had been longing for my entire childhood. He made me feel that I could shine by his side but I now know that he had it all wrong because I can shine on my own. I was J’s prey and he was the vulture who knew exactly how to shame or smoother me into what he wanted me to do. 

It was a tumultuous roller coaster of emotion. It was the highest of highs to an ecstasy I had hardly ever known but it was also the lowest of lows to a darkness of depth that I still fear. Every special occasion or outing would end in fighting and tears. Weddings, birthdays, holidays, dinner parties, family events, he knew exactly how to instigate a fight or how to bring me to tears. I was reliving my childhood in the worst possible way but now I was my mother and I was the one walking on eggshells. 

I’ve never had a bloody nose, that is, until that terrible night in Calistoga. I should have known the supposed getaway weekend that he had planned would be a disaster when that morning he picked a fight about something minimal and then threatened to not take me, per his usual behavior. But in the end, like so other times, we ended up getting ready, looking our best as if nothing had ever happened and then driving away in his fancy BMW with our sunglasses and the wind blowing in our hair showing the world that amazing power couple they thought we were. If only they knew and if only the wind could blow away all the pain.

Like so many of our fights, it began with him picking at something about me, me reacting, and then him leaving me at the bar where we were, triggering my greatest fear...abandonment. He walked back to the B&B and shortly after him so did I but instead of going upstairs I decided to have one last drink. It angered him that instead of running to him, I choose to talk to the bartender and watch tv while sipping on my old fashioned. Eventually, he came down and insisted I go upstairs where it began. 

Shouting. Pacing. Arms flailing. Items tossed. Bloody nose. I don’t even recall how it happened; all I know is that I felt the warm blood coming down my face as I fell to the ground. The moment he saw the blood and heard my cries, I saw the panic in his eyes. And in an instant he was gone. He fled without even hesitating, grabbing anything, or saying a word to me. Actually, he did say something he said, “oh my god, the police can’t come, I’ll lose my license.” He was so terrified that the police would get called that he selfishly ran away like a coward, leaving me yet again but this time with a bloody nose, without a phone and terrified in tears. The asshole had the audacity to drive intoxicated all the way to our home in Redwood City from Calistoga. 

The good that came from this is that this relationship forced me to relive, process, and break the power and abuse cycle that I saw in my parents. The good that came from this is that now I can support domestic violence survivors. The good that come from this is that no one will ever have that much power over me again. While it took a lot of tears, pain, humiliation, anger, and time, I eventually came to see that he was nothing but a scared, and insecure man who was intimidated by the woman that I was when he met me and the woman that I rediscovering. 

You should listen to the lyrics from Keysha’s song Praying...it’s like they were meant for J. 

“I'm proud of who I am

No more monsters, I can breathe again

And you said that I was done

Well, you were wrong and now the best is yet to come”